which is which: he or he? (AN EXCERPT)

This is long so if you’d like to proceed on the GUY CLUES start at paragraph four. Read within the context of “Flailing” ha.

Call it a mental dysfunction or better yet, if you’re the "idiom" type, hitting two birds with one stone. Not that I have suddenly turned into a runny nosed, perpetual cadaver killed by hopeless romance, who has a vague admiration towards two men. The operative word here is obviously, “two”. But insane as I may be, contrary to perception, I think I am at this sane point in my life wherein I actually know what I want. If that doesn’t sound clear, consider it part of this muddled, routinely futile situation I put myself in every time.

The great thing about these two guys is how opposite they seem to be – literally and figuratively. Polar opposites if I may add. Put them side by side and you have a dazzling display of contrasts – their facial nuances, aura, propensities, smile, and look. One thing similar between them though which I gravitate towards is how seemingly dislocated they are in their world – in more pedestrian terms: may sariling mundo. I don’t know which hormone to blame na.

Guy number one is someone I really had no idea I would’ve liked. I’ve known him for quite a while yet I never really took notice of him since I always adhered to the principle or idea, “classmates are off limits/classmates are like siblings”. Now, I totally ditched those ideals. So much for loyalty. Essentially, what this guy does to me is different than most other guys I’ve been unfortunate enough to only grasp at a distance. He’s definitely not hot. He’s not handsome. He’s not a dashing prince. Physically speaking, he’s not someone I’d ever hit on based on “high school standards”. But obviously, I’ve finally taken notice of him and his smile – the sweet outstretch of his mouth, the come-hitherness that follows and the subsequent transformation of M the gay guy to M the milquetoast. He’s candid and camp – in a good way. He’s very self-assured and unafraid to poke fun at himself. He’s confident definitely, a man with a vague ambition and self-deprecating humor. He’s strangely confusing. It’s precisely because he’s everything I would never like in a guy, that I like him, exposing a sort of reverse psychology applying to me. And it’s this abrupt gear shifting in guy standards which suddenly turns me into a wondering philosopher, creating existential questions, either directed to him or to me or both. He makes me question what I really look for in a person and reevaluate my place in the universe - OA.

So now a shift in paradigm is needed in order to appreciate the full content of this blog – moving away from the M the Head Bitch in Charge, to M the unfocused lamb.

This though, in the light I’ve resigned myself partially to being single for a surprising period of my life. So yeah, that’s mostly how it’s working.

Guy number two is someone I just had the opportunity to know. For some strange reason I actually think I’ve seen him before but who cares. I’ve always been off limits to guys with girlfriends as well not because they presented twice the futility. It’s just a thing okay, a non-fetish. No I am not Katrina Halili who finds men with girls challenging or tempting. I find men who are married more tempting. It’s me, Monica Lewinsky. Ha. But this case is an exception to the broken rule. Like I said, he’s the opposite of guy number one. He’s a lot more serious, self-effacing, and introspective of course. He’s more of my usual type – really boy-next-door-ish, with an incredibly sexy smile and funny idiosyncrasies. He’s got beautiful, full red lips, and an endearingly unexpected accent. There’s a cloud of mystery surrounding him all the time, questions raised regarding religious beliefs, firm assertions and deliberations on whether he is cute or hot or plain both. There’s sensuality in him I haven’t seen yet in any guy from AB, a ravishing grin that melts my heart into puddles of glitter, a wicked, even lonely stare which resembles the old faith we once had on pagan gods. He’s really gwapo in the traditional sense, a bit maangas but still able to come off humble.

Guy Number 1 is a Koala. Guy Number 2 is a Snake. Guy #1 is the song "Melt Away", while Guy #2 is the song, "When I Saw You". They have different religions I think.

That’s basically it. No I’m not torn between to lovers even though for several years I’ve wished to be in that awkward position in my life. It’s a questionable wish I know but one that’s been closely realized (even if it’s not exactly between two lovers) by this magnetic and dynamic event called university life and love.

Crushes are truly non-threatening, lightweight matters of the heart. But given the choice, I’d prefer a life over a lovelife. Seriously


love you MARI. aka JOMA...bwahahaha